I'm dreaming of a very white Christmas. Aren't you, Christmas lovers?

That Bing Crosby number that has plagued me for years is about to become a reality. A nice, white, icy, cold and inconvenient Crimbo. Treacherous roads, lethal pavements, empty shelves in the shops. You wanted it, so perhaps you'll get it.

Looks nice, the snow. All white and festive, just like the Christmas cards. Hey, you might even be lucky enough to see a robin perched on a snowy branch or a carriage drawn by six horses. Lovely, lovely, snow.

Except it isn't lovely. Is it?

Just think of all those journeys you won't be able to make because the gritters haven't been able to cope with the blizzards. Ah, the poor relatives who will have to spend Christmas day on their own. Sob.

What about those of you who haven't stocked up your freezers? You really are going to be miserable, aren't you? Still, you can always resort to that last tin of baked beans that has been pushed to the back of the food cupboard for the last three years. Shame you won't have any bread to put it on because you haven't had the common sense to get some in.

Then there's the heating bill; that'll be expensive come New Year. Coupled with the fare increases, you won't be happy bunnies and that's a fact.

Speaking of heating bills, just imagine the pensioners who will perish over Christmas. Not only will quite a few drop off the mortal coil, they will do so all alone. Still, that's sometimes the price one has to pay for a winter wonderland.

Joking aside, I've always believed that Christmas was invented by some bygone government to cheer up the population in order to force it into a false sense of security. After all, what a clever strategy it is. You know what I mean; get everyone so excited that they spend all their hard-earned money and pump even more cash into the coffers. Then once everyone has unwrapped their slippers and socks, watched Raiders of the Lost Ark, Morecambe & Wise and The Two Ronnies on the telly for zillionth time, whack 'em with some fare rises, increased fuel bills and redundancies.

When I worked, I was always amused to watch the miserable faces on the station platform come New Year. Cold, shuffling and downright miserable commuters with aching heads, dodgy stomachs and overdrafts, really made the hell that is Christmas really worth my suffering.

No more kissing under the mistletoe as the same old Christmas songs blare out from the office computer. No more free booze and chocolate. No more telling the boss what you really think about him or her. That's something else to worry about as you shiver and wait for the train or bus: the bosses will always get their own back - and don't you know it!?

Anyway, back to the snow. The current cold weather has nothing to do with climate change because climate change, global warming - call it what you will - is just another con thought up by governments to make you enjoy life less and spend more. Sorry folks, but the climate change theory is about as authentic as the beard on the Father Christmas I visited as child at Chiesman's. Thankfully, that was the last time I visited Lewisham and I haven't looked back since.

I really am looking forward to a white Christmas. In fact, I hope the snow lasts right into March. After all, why shouldn't I?

Having brought you all down to earth about the prospects of a white Christmas, I will echo Shakin' Stevens and say this to you all:

Merry Christmas Everyone.

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