CHRISTMAS: A time for kids, not adults

Yes, I grew up and left my child's things in the nursery - though some would say that I continue to chuck my toys out of the pram to this day. One has to grow up eventually, when all is said and done. I mean, how can an adult still get excited over Christmas?

Yet millions do. Get excited over Christmas, I mean. Every year they look forward to an event which, by rights, should last three days at the most, but in reality goes on for weeks and months.

When Father Christmas stopped visiting me, I realised that Christmas is all about profit, getting drunk and spending money you haven't got. It really isn't as difficult a concept. In fact, anyone with a half ounce of brains can work it out.

When I attended primary school, I was taught that Jesus was born on 25th December and that is why we celebrate Christmas. As I grew older, I learnt that it had all been a big con and that Christmas started out as a pagan festival that the Christians conveniently latched onto. Well, you could have knocked me down with a bit of last year's tinsel, to be sure.

The lights went on in the West End yesterday. So that means that Christmas has started, does it? No, it means that you have got to grit your teeth, reach for your wallet and splash out on unwanted presents for people you don't really like.

Soon, all the old folks who are left abandoned for most of the year - because their offspring can't stand to be in a room with them for more than ten minutes at a time - will be invited to, 'spend Christmas with us'. If the truth were told, I daresay the old folks would rather be left alone with their tellies, word searches and colostomy bags.

The people of this country make me laugh. They still think we are living in the 1970s when most of the shops were closed for the week over Christmas. These days of course, supermarkets and retail chains only close for one day, but that doesn't stop the British throwing themselves at huge pieces of meat, jars of pickles and bucketloads of sprouts before queueing for hours at the check out with their trolleys overflowing with heart attack inducing, wind creating, 'seasonal' grub.

Who on earth actually likes Christmas pudding, for example? What about those revolting yule logs which are invariably smothered in half an inch or so of imitation chocolate? And as for brussels sprouts, who the hell would come up with the idea that a hard ball of green vegetation that tastes like sick would be the perfect accompaniment for overcooked, over priced and dry-as-a-bone turkey flesh? The sprout is an amazing piece of veg. It looks horrible, tastes revolting and makes one blow off rather badly within two hours of eating it. I wonder how many fart lighting contests take place in Britain after a festive feast of sprouts.

Food aside, let's think about the drink. I often think that British adults have to drink at Christmas in order to survive the ordeal of not only of having to make bland conversation with elderly relatives, but to perhaps convince themselves that the hundreds of pounds they've just spent on others was really worth it. Especially when one dishes out a load of dosh on a really expensive present for someone who repays your generosity with a pair of socks and a jumper that is two sizes too small. A good slug of booze is almost an essential when it comes to surviving Jesus' birthday, it seems.

How about relationships at Christmas - how do they fare?

Well, is it any wonder that a big proportion of divorce proceedings in Britain come into play just after Christmas? Let's be honest, it's bad enough having to put up with the spouse at weekends when you can say exactly what you think about your other half. But when the old father-in-law is watching you through one open eye, sitting in your armchair, it's hardly surprising that the sparks fly between couples when the old sod finally gets carted off home.

As I've already said, Christmas is a time for kids, not grown-ups. Hopefully, you can look back on childhood Christmases and accept the fact that you had your time and now it is the next generation's turn to relish innocent childhood experiences.

As for Lady P. and my good self, this Christmas will be celebrated in an adult fashion. On Christmas morning I will prepare a delicious stuffed duck with confit, crisp roast potatoes, peas and gravy, whilst my wife visits the family and dishes out/receives the gifts. Once we have eaten, we will settle down to watch some DVD box sets that have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever. It really is as easy and stress-free as it sounds.

So why don't YOU do the same this year and save yourself a lot of time, expense and hassle?

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