I would like to welcome you all to my blog. I am honoured that you have spared the time to visit me at my home and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are all very busy people and I appreciate your friendship and loyalty. Unfortunately, having welcomed my supporters, I have no choice but to make my detractors an offer they can't refuse.

In my time as Blogfather, I have looked after you all. You have come to me with your problems and I've tried my very best to accommodate you.

Recently, a member of the Eritheone family came to me and asked that I placate a certain Thamesmeadento button man who'd disrespected his neighbour's daughter. The problem now sleeps with the fishes of a certain lake.

Not so long ago, an elderly couple from the Bexley district was threatened with separation after 66 years of loving marriage. When word of this unfortunate situation reached my ears, I stepped forward and used all my powers to make the peace and resolve the situation. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God.

When discourse occasionally breaks out in Craysantino and private land is taken over by travellers who've never paid a penny in tax or me any respect, I have never failed to comply to your wishes.

So why is it that you, my detractors, show me so little respect?

On this day of my daughter's new hairdo, you visit me secure in the knowledge that I cannot turn down a request for help. After all these years, I can't remember you ever dropping by to invite me to your family home for a cup of coffee or a Big Mac with fries. Even now, you don't even think to call me Blogfather.

It has been my dream for the blog to go legitimate and forgo the nastiness that has crept into the Land of Blogeone in recent months. I thought I'd made a good start by making the peace with Don City, but it seems my efforts have been to no avail.

I'm disappointed to say that, just when I was starting to be nice, you pull me back in.

Give me the respect I deserve or I will be forced to lampoon you and your respective neighbourhoods on a daily basis. The families of Dartfordentto, Eritheone, Swanleyo, Thamesmeadento, Craysantino, Woolwichante, Belvederenzo and Elthamazzi should prepare themselves for a war and go to the mattresses.

My trusted consigliere has just whispered in my ear that sleeping on mattresses all day won't present too much of a lifestyle change for most of my detractors, so you might have an advantage. Make the most of it.

So leave the guns and take the cannoli. Capisce?