I have just put the phone down on what must have been the most pointless phone call with the continuingly lack-lustre services of Thames Water farcical customer services department.

(By the way I didn't insert the link in for T h a m e s water, it seems that the system does it automatically - I so HATE that sort of tampering with my blogging)

In this case they were the ones who started the call concerning something, about which I still have no idea.

The telephone rang and, on answering it I was greeted by a woman speaking English with a truly heavy, almost impenetrable asian accent.

She actually announced herself as calling from "The Indian office of Thames Water" Ye gods, but does the Thames flow into the Ganges these days?

Anyway this woman asked to speak to my wife. Do they think nobody works mid-afternoon in this day and age?

I point out that my wife is at work and start to explain when she should be home when I am interrupted with "So when will I be able to speak to her?"

Drawing a breath, I explain that she doesn't come home until 6pm and before I can ask if I can help I am TOLD that "you will get your wife to call" when she comes home.

My dander is now up and amongst other things, I politely point out that firstly I have no proof the caller is even from Thames Water and secondly I have no idea what this call is about.

I am then informed that she cannot tell me because I am not the person she needs to speak to.

I return with the response that I am the husband of the person concerned and if it's for this address then I pay all the bills anyway.

I know there's a possibility that this is something to do with the sale of my wife's old house and so I ask what address the enquiry concerns.

She ums and ahs for a bit and then says that she still can't tell me.

Then she thinks for awhile and says simply "It's C.R.O."

I say pardon and she simply repeats "C.R.O"

I point out that these three letters do not an English address make and politely suggest that they might be part of the postcode "CR0" (zero).

There is a pause, an 'er' followed by another pause such as to make a very long pause terminated with her saying "Yes, it could be"

"OK" is my reply "but that still doesn't tell me the address does it?"

So Ms Thames-Water-India launches back into "Well please get (my wife) to call us when she comes home and here's the number....." (at least she said please this time note!) I stopped her dead.

"Look, you wont tell me what this is about; you have offered me no proof that you're even from Thames water, and now I know that, if you are from Thames water, you're going to give me a premium rate number which will cost ME the bill payer to call you on. So, no I won't. If you want to speak to my wife then, as I have told you several times now she will be home after 6pm. You can speak to her then ok?" and at that point SHE hung up on me!

Now this is a very much condensed version of the call as the woman's English was so atrocious with an accent that was so unintelligible that I had to constantly get her to repeat what she was saying.

I was also be regularly told that my wife MUST phone them.

Uh-uh little miss sunshine - if you can't speak English; if you cant give me an 0800 number; if you can't have a simple grasp of rudimentary English customs like the Husband and the Wife actually sharing responsibilities for things then you can go and paddle off down the Ganges and hopefully disconnect it from Thames water.

I for one would be far happier dealing with someone in this country.

And I'm not being racist as I don't care what their nationality is, I merely ask (and expect) an acceptable grasp of the language and manners of this country rather than being told what I must do by somebody in a foreign call centre several thousand miles away on another continent.

Manners cost nothing - it's a shame that Thames Water (and BT for that matter) just don't seem to realise nor care how much damage their Indian, Asian and "Off shore" call centres are doing to their reputation.

And that my dear blog readers finishes today's Naq's Rant.