MATTHEW JENKIN finds love in a hurry for Valentine's Day at Greenwich's Up The Creek comedy club.

THEY say no man is an island, but so far I have managed just fine floating in an ocean of single bliss, protecting my borders from the perils of marital contracts and toxic relationships.

Occasionally, however, I require the odd sailing vessel to lay anchor on my idyllic shores and remind me why I never put a ring on it.

My port is never more in need of a good docking than during festivals like Christmas and, horror of horrors, Valentine’s Day.

The latter having been created by some smug married couple whose sole purpose in life is to make singletons feel like the survivors of a devastating tsunami, bobbing in a sea of loneliness and desperately trying to grab hold of the nearest piece of tattered driftwood which happens to float by.

With only days left until the dreaded lovefest I decided to take evasive action.

If you want fast food, go to a chippy. If you want fast love, head to Greenwich’s Up The Creek comedy club for its fortnightly speed dating event.

While 25 women sat sipping glasses of chardonnay, I and other men at the night were ordered to move from table to table like sashimi on a sushi restaurant conveyor belt.

With just three minutes with each woman, brevity was the order of the day and any hope of diving deep into your date’s soul was dashed at the sound of a klaxon.

Around 15 women and two pints later, I was no nearer to meeting the love of my life but had learnt, from one date, my age in vampire years and ticked yes to two women on the score card provided.

With just a handful of women left to interrogate, stand-up comic Ben Norris took to the stage to give the crowd some well deserved comic relief before a final round of dates.

Ben’s side-splitting routine was at once depraved and brilliantly sharp and clever.

Finding humour in everything from caring for his triplets to random anecdotes about considerably more sordid subjects, Ben was a blistering tour de force of comedy.

Combining the nerve-racking business of dating with comedy is an inspired idea and women were being turned away on the night.

The rub is that men are in short supply. But with plenty of beer, oodles of smutty gags and women literally lining up to meet someone, it’s an alpha-male’s dream.

I may still be single, but at least the pain of dating was soothed by the healing power of laughter.

Speed dating with comedian Adam Bloom. Up The Creek, Creek Road, Greenwich. February 17. £5. 020 8858 4581.