THE ERASTUS PIGGOTT HALLOWEEEN SPECIAL

The party was by official invite only, so once the Treasure Hunt was over, I handed out the sealed invitations – on which were printed the time when the party would begin and the dress code for the evening – to all ErastEnders that had taken part in the competition. These included Lizzielooloo, Puss In Boots, Tarynn, Locked & Loaded, Booty, City, Naqoyqatsi and some others who do not wish to be named for reasons I cannot divulge in a family blog.

Having made my way home from The Land of Blog, I gave Grimes written details as to how and where I wanted the Halloweeen party decorations to be placed and at what time to light the candles in the pumpkins that Shagnarsty had so kindly turned into grinning lanterns of evil with one of his trusty cut-throat razors, and made my way upstairs for a wash and brush up.

As this was a special occasion I decided to go against doctor’s orders and poured myself a hefty brandy. I enjoyed it so much that I immediately refilled my glass with some more of the delicious, warming and heady liquor.

After my afternoon massage – excellently performed by my new Austrian agency nurse, Meinrad Tagwerker, whose gender I am still trying to work out – I took a bath whilst reading several chapters of an excellent tome entitled, ‘101 Ways To Get The Most Out Of Your Rubber Duck’.

Once the bubbles on my bathwater had all burst, I got out and took a quick, cold shower to cool myself down, squirted all my potentially smelly bits with ‘Eau de Piggott’ – a delicate aroma with a hint of musk, specially made for me by a very grateful French perfumer that I once got out of a rather sticky patch – and dressed in my usual garb of tweed.

Upon hearing the front door knocker being applied in the correct sequence of raps and pauses, I glanced at my pocket watch and realised that my first guests had arrived.

I made my way down the staircase and Grimes announced. ‘Lizzielooloo, Puss In Boots and Tarynn, m’Lud’. I was pleased to notice that these three lovely young ladies had carried out the instructions on their invitations and had each brought a suitcase.

After engaging in some pleasant conversation over a glass of sherry, I rang for Grimes and instructed him to show my guests to their rooms in order for them to freshen-up and prepare for the evening ahead.

The next two guests to arrive were Messrs Locked & Loaded and Naqoyqatsi, both of whom were also laden with suitcases; though the rubber chicken that Mr Loaded pulled from his shorts and waved in my face whilst applying a handshake buzzer to my palm, I found only vaguely amusing.

As we entered the library, Naq pointed out to me that he had spotted a book on one of the shelves that he had written some years previously – albeit it under another name – entitled, ‘Moan and the World Moans With You’. As we discussed his 15 minutes’ of fame as an author, Locked amused himself by looking at the pictures in my ‘Rubber Duck’ book.

Once Locked and Naq were taken to their rooms, the next guest to arrive was Booty. As instructed, Booty also carried a suitcase but as time was getting on I apologised and informed him that Grimes would show him directly to his room as some liquid refreshment had already been left there for him. For some strange reason known only to Booty, I observed him scribbling in a notebook as he admired the paintings on the way up the stairs.

Over the next half hour or so, all the invited guests (except one) arrived and were shown to their rooms. I busied myself by making sure that everything was as it should be in the Great Hall. Once satisfied, I placed the ‘Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt Kickers Greatest Hits’ record that I had acquired from E-bay the previous week, on the gramophone.

With the scene set and the pumpkins glowing, the grandfather clock struck 9.

As instructed on the invitations, my guests entered the Hall impeccably dressed in evening attire. Lizzie, Puss and Tarynn were absolutely resplendent in the most stunning of sequined ball gowns, their angelic smiles radiating goodness, making the gentlemen gasp and Grimes to … well, I won’t go into that.

My male guests were also excellently turned-out in their penguin suits, though I was a little disappointed that Naq’s was tailored in leather and Locked’s appeared to have been cut from black denim. Booty, on the other hand, had obviously paid a visit to Moss Bros, so I could find no fault with his appearance, though his constant scribbling in the notebook was becoming tiresome.

As the evening wore on and the special Halloweeen punch kicked in, everyone began to enjoy themselves with 'crab apple bobbing', 'musical electric chairs', 'pin-the-tail-on-Grimes' (which I, for one, enjoyed immensely due to the size of the darning needle that was used) and 'murder in the night' – a particular favourite that has become a tradition at Piggott Place on Halloweeen.

Then, at one minute to midnight, Grimes limped into the room and whispered in my ear that another guest had arrived. I tapped my brandy glass with the darning needle that my butler had become so ‘attached’ to and announced. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we have a late arrival, so I hope you will all make him feel very welcome.’ I gestured for Grimes to usher in our new guest and we all waited.

A strange slapping could be heard coming from the corridor, getting louder by the moment, and was then joined by the kind of wheezing that I have only ever heard come from Lady P. after too many sucks on the houka we brought back from Morocco some years back.

After what seemed like an eternity, Grimes stood in the doorway and bellowed, ‘My Lord, ladies and gentlemen, I give you, City’.

You could have heard the darning needle drop along with my guests’ jaws as a figure dressed in a rubber frogman outfit complete with mask, snorkel and flippers waddled into the room. My guests stood in stunned silence as this new guest suddenly ripped off the mask, removed the snorkel and looked around in what can only be described as disbelief.

I turned to my guests and said ‘Ladies and gentlemen, it seems that City decided to join us ‘James Bond-style’. Let us all hope he is wearing a tuxedo under all that rubber!’ I then handed City my Rubber Duck book and said, ‘Perhaps you might find this of interest’.

The whole room then erupted into laughter, as City’s face grew redder than the poker I sometimes use when The Device is away being serviced.

How glad I am that I decided to write City’s invitation myself.

Your Lord, Erastus Theobald Piggott

PS: Booty, please return the painting, there’s a good fellow.