There has been a spate of overnight break-ins in the Bexley area recently. The frightening thing is that they have occurred in the early hours whilst the homeowners have been fast asleep upstairs.

The police have stated that these burgling bastards are after the car keys hanging on the walls close to front doors and, on the whole, would not venture upstairs.

But what if they did?

It is everyone’s worst nightmare to wake up in the night and see someone who is not a member of one’s family standing at the bottom of the bed or hear the sound of smashing glass downstairs as an uninvited caller decides to investigate your belongings in the hope of selling them on in order to get his next drug fix.

Your Lord and Lady P. vigilantly lock their bedroom door at night in case such a scenario should play out at Piggott Place.

Just like Michael Caine’s character in Get Carter, Your Lord has made sure that he can defend himself by placing a rather nice instrument of retaliation under the bed, but what would happen to me if I were to use it?

I suspect that I would be arrested, hauled before a judge and sentenced to a number of years behind bars and then subsequently sued by the intruder (if he was still alive) for taking away his sole source of income.

On the other hand, if this were America, I would probably be hailed as a hero, given a slot on prime time television and held in the greatest esteem for getting rid of a ‘bad guy’.

Before the police (who I know read this blog on a daily basis) get too excited, I have not got a shotgun secreted under the mattress. I have, however, hidden something that is rather blunt, heavy and dangerous if used contrary to what it was primarily designed for.

Do not get me wrong. If I found an intruder in Piggott Place I would not think twice about attacking with all my might. My conscience would be clear no matter what the outcome, I assure you.

Your Lord would like to read your views on protecting yourself in your own home.

Erastus