This pub is down a nice road in a nice part of Bexleyheath and looks all very nice. A bit too nice if you know what I mean.

Inside it’s quite beige and very roomy, filled with loads of women. When I went in, I craned my neck to find a male of the species and I think I might’ve seen one cowering in a corner but I could have been wrong.

There was some kind of easy listening 60’s music trilling softly through the building and everything was quite – you know – vanilla. The barman wasn’t friendly nor unfriendly, more indifferent to my presence. But then maybe he was just terrified by the masses of females who had him cornered.

I ordered a grilled chicken with spicy sauce, which came with a small helping of peas and chips. Or, it would’ve come with chips if I hadn’t upgraded to lattice fries (Pubspy is nothing if not open-minded).

It seemed fancy-shaped potatoes were the only excitement for me that weekday lunchtime and I set about my lunch with a quiet resignation. “Who is that, weeping into his peas?”, they probably thought, before realising, “Oh no, it’s ok, he’s just realised the pointlessness of his own existence.”

Having said that, the meal was actually quite tasty for only a fiver and the menu’s pretty extensive.

And then, the place began to fill up with lots of people, all around the cavernous corridors. And the droves, of both sexes and all ages, seemed at peace, perhaps because the atmosphere was so gentle and, dare I say it: bland.

But then I thought, there’s something to be said for a place where everybody can go and have a chat and a tasty, cheap meal. Sometimes life doesn’t need needn’t be all drugs and rock n’roll - sometimes you just want a quiet place to rest your bones and nod away to Andy Williams.

The Earl Haig, Little Heath Road, Bexleyheath.

How it rated:

Decor *** Neutral tones, as though I was sitting in a catalogue

Atmosphere ** Not a place for a wild time but a pleasant enough place to catch up

Drinks *** Good choice and reasonable

Food *** Wide variety and cheap

Staff *** Again, neutral but nice